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Hello everybody, Welcome back to this
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life of ours. Today we're talking about
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something that quietly. Shapes our
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relationships, our energy, honestly our
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entire emotional atmosphere that we live
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inside of every day. You may
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have heard me talk about emotional
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orbit if you're in the membership.
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This is that a lot of
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people are unintentionally living in
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misery. By choosing
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it, by choosing it not even realizing
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they're choosing it and practicing it.
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Practicing exhaustion, practicing
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resentment, practicing emotional
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rehearsal. OK, what am I going to
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feel like? How will I act surprised
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or how am I not going to
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be too mad or what would be
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just the right amount of. Disappointment
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to share. Practicing conversations that
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circle the same pain point over
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and over. We do this so
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often that it starts to feel
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like identity. I'm someone who's chosen
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laughed. I'm never the top pick.
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I won't ever make it into
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this next thing. That
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pain that you feel is
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real, hard seasons of life,
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real grief, stress, heartbreak,
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disappointment, all of that is
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very, very real. But there's
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a difference between feeling emotions
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and building your emotional home
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inside of those emotions.
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There's also a difference between
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connecting with people through honesty
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and only knowing how to connect
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through suffering or connecting through
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misery. That sounds like will
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you believe what just happened?
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Right. Can you believe it? That's
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connecting over misery. At some point we
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have to stop and we have to ask
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ourselves, who am I when I'm not
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constantly reacting to life?What energy
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do I bring into the room?
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What am I emotionally practicing every
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single day? You all, what you practice,
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you get better at. Even if it's something
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that you want to not be doing. If
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you practice again, you get better at it
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because your nervous system learns from
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repetition. Your brain learns from
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repetition and the things that you
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rehearse the most often become the
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lens that you experience your life
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because the brain categorizes that as
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this is important. We do need to
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pay attention to this. So today I
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want to explore emotional identity,
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emotional habits, and what it looks like
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to become a source of steadiness,
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connection, creativity, and grounded joy
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again. In your own life,
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let's get into it.
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Welcome to This Life of Ours,
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a space for real conversations, heartfelt
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insight, and everyday coaching. I'm your
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host, Coach Emily B... life coach,
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storyteller, deep feeler, and Vermont,
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hobby farmer. Around here, we talked
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through what it means to grow, feel, and
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stay grounded in the life you've got
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while reaching for the one you want. I'll
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teach. I'll coach. I'll talk to myself.
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No matter the episode, I hope you leave
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feeling a little more connected and a
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little less alone in this life of yours.
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I'm so glad you're here.
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If I were to ask you
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which emotion you most consistently bring
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into a room with you, what
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would you say?And
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really think about this because even as
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I say the question out loud, I
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again remind myself I'm not going in
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looking for an emotion. I'm going in
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and I'm bringing an emotion. I'm
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contributing to the emotional temperature
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of the room. How many
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of you go around looking to see? Does
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this room feel comfortable? Does this
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room feel welcoming? Does this room feel
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like I belong here? Does this room feel
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right for me?Does this
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room feel accepting of me?
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Never really looking at what am I
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offering the room, What do I get to
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contribute here?Many
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of us bond through suffering
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because it feels familiar and
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immediate. It's always right in
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front of us. Emotional
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familiarity is not the same with
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emotional health. So if you're thinking
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that, yeah, I do know what's going to
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happen here, or I do know what to expect
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over here, and you're thinking that that
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is emotionally steady, emotionally
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healthy. It's
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not. If the majority of
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your conversations revolve around what's
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wrong, who hurt you, how
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exhausted you are, how unfair
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your life feels, you may
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unintentionally be building your
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emotional home in misery, in
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suffering. And you repeat those
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same types of conversations when you
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revolve your all of your connection
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around what's not right or what's hard or
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what's missing, your nervous system
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starts to memorize that identity. If
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you're anything like me, when you start
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doing this and it really start working
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with yourself the the whole concept. The
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nervous system feels out of reach. It
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feels like, yeah, OK, can I really
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influence that?Yeah, you can.
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You can. It's absolutely wild to someone
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like me anyway, who basically grew up
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under a rock in Vermont. I don't think
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very big, or I didn't think I thought
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very big until I realized, "Yes, you
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do." You just didn't realize that those
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thoughts were things that you could
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believe, that you could put action
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behind. You didn't know that you
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had access to rewriting your brain,
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to stabilizing your nervous system.
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You didn't know. No, I know. And I want
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you all to know this is not some like
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far off thing you can't reach. This is
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something you can absolutely impact in
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your life today. Whatever you are
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thinking about, whatever you're
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connecting about, whatever you're
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engaging with all day long, your brain
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then begins to look for more evidence of
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that thing. To support it, this is like
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if you go car shopping and you decide
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I want to look at let's see, how
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about we look at the I can't think
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of something. Nissan Pathfinder. OK,
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let's go look at Pathfinders. All of a
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sudden, what do you see on the road?
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There's a Pathfinder. There's a
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Pathfinder. There's a path. I didn't know
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there were so many pathfinders. Yes,
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because we weren't tuning into that. You
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weren't looking for evidence of that. Now
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you're tuned in. Now you notice there
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are Pathfinders out there. So here's what
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we want to tune into. We want to tune
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into the thinking that's asking us. Why
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don't people bring better energy into my
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life?Why are they so grumpy?
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How come they're never smiling? Instead
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of any of that, we want
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to start asking what energy am
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I consistently practicing and
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contributing?If you're somebody who's
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going into every room looking for it to
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energize you. What you're contributing
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is a pull on the energy.
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You're not contributing to the
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energy of the room. That
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changes the experience.
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That changes the experience. So what
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energy are you consistently practicing
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and contributing Back to that very
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first question that I asked you,
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What emotion do you most consistently
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bring into a room?It
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doesn't even matter if nobody's in the
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room. I want you to think about what
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energy do I carry with me most often. If
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you're not sure if energy feels out of
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reach to you, kind of like nervous system
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work fell out of reach to me for a
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little while, ask about how you feel.
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How do you feel?When you walk
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into a room. How do
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you want to feel when you walk
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into a room? How? What would you
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say your top three feelings are
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throughout a week? Are you mostly excited
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and engaged and present? Are you mostly
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distraught and overwhelmed and
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disconnected? What are you if someone
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were to say, "Emily, when I think
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of Emily, the top three feelings I think
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are boom, boom, boom." What would people
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say about you?And this is not so
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that they can judge you. This is so that
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you can get a reflection. Yeah. What
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energy do I bring so that you can see
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that you do have power here? You're not
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at the mercy of what's available in the
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room. You're at the mercy of what you're
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willing to contribute to the room.
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That little thing in the
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brain that looks for the
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Pathfinder? That's your Reticular A
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ctivating System, your RAS. It
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helps filter what you notice
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most often. So if you
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constantly rehearse frustration or drama
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or resentment or disappointment. Your
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brain gets better at spotting more of
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it, and we'll tell you that there.
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That's resentment. She doesn't like you.
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That over there? Yeah. You remember that?
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You did that wrong five years ago,
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too. It will
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remember those things. If you
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start practicing gratitude and creativity
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and possibility. Connection, movement,
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grounded joy. Your brain starts noticing
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opportunities for those experiences too
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and what it notices last it keeps looking
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for or what you leave it on. If
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you leave your brain on a question like
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I wonder if this is possible, it will
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go look for evidence. Is that possible?
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Ohh, let's see. That might make it
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possible. That would definitely make it
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more challenging. If we tell ourselves
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that's not possible for me, we're going
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to look for evidence of that it's not
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possible because of that and that and
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that would probably make it hard too.
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Look at all these reasons. But
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you rehearse grows stronger. So I
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want you to reflect who are
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you when you are not emotionally
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rehearsing your problems.
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Who are you? And if you have like
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a I don't know, you're not alone. You're
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not alone. So many people get caught up
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in living in the problem that they forget
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there's a whole life and person and
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personality and dreams and desires
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underneath these problems. And some of
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these problems do not even need a
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solution. They're just things to talk
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about. So what lights you
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up? What energizes you? What makes you
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feel more alive?That's where
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you want to spend your thought power,
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your energy, your time. The time when
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you're thinking, daydreaming, wondering
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if... re-going over conversations or
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replaying conversations in your own head.
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Make it be about these questions. Hey,
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what lights you up? Last time we talked
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about this, you thought it was that. Did
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you forget anything?What energizes you,
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What makes you feel more alive? You. All
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these are questions that will move you
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forward. These are questions that will
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invite connection over growth instead of
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connection over misery. This doesn't mean
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you can't have the casual girlfriend
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conversation where it's like you. I have
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to tell you what I saw today at the
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pick up line.
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People are going to connect over these
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those things. They are because those are
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things that we see in the world. We make
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things, we make it mean something and
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then we want to share that with somebody.
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But if you are connecting. Over points of
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frustration or misery, more often than
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you're connecting over growth, you are
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creating that emotional home for yourself
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of misery, and life will always feel a
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pill. So to get out of misery, to
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get into growth, we have to be willing
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to face a little more misery, which is.
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There's gonna be people in that circle of
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misery that do not come with you. So
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yes, you will lose connections. You will
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lose friendships. You also will gain
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friendships and connections. Not better,
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but different, different, different
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connections that will support you in what
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you're working on now. What a shame it
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would be. I I rarely use that
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word shame in coaching, but what a
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shame it would be to live your
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whole life through the assumptions and
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through the misery of our own
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observations and the observations of our
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closest connections, rather than through
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the belief that we can make anything
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out of this situation. Anything is still
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possible unless we tell ourselves it
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is not. So I'm here
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to tell you it's possible. That thing you
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want to do, that place you want to go
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to, it is possible. But you've got to be
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willing to walk out of the misery first.
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Find new connections, find a new story to
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tell about yourself and what you're
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doing. It's worth it.
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It is worth it. Al
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right you all, I have a closing
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quote for you
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Live as if life were
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created for relationship and joy.
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Get out of problem solving, get out
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of it, allow yourself some relationship
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or allow yourself some joy and I'll
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see you next time.
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Thank you so much for being here. If
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something in today's episode resonated
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with you, we'd love for you to share
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it with a friend or leave a review.
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It helps others find this space. You can
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find full episode transcripts and learn
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more about our amazing team
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of coaches at
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www.birchandstonecoaching.com. Until next
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time, stay rooted, stay resilient,
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and keep rising. This life
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of ours is worth showing
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up for.
